Take a moment and imagine the following situations:
- You’re pouring your heart out to someone about a difficult situation in your life.
- You’re sharing your best idea at the staff meeting.
- You’re sharing an opinion you have a lot of passion about.
- You’re sharing a memory that had special significance to you.
In any one of these situations, people may meet you with responses such as giving advice, telling you a reason why your idea won’t work, sharing an immediate opposing opinion and telling you that you’re wrong, or telling a story about their life that was better or worse than yours.
As a result, you can feel deflated, not receiving what you wanted or needed to hear back at the time. The spotlight may shift away from what you were sharing and onto the other person with no acknowledgement of what was important to you.
I imagine you have received these kinds of responses or given them. Think back onto what the impact of that was on the conversation and the relationship going forward. While perhaps well-intended, these responses can actually disconnect people and create frustration and disappointment.
Good Communication
Each person in an interaction is responsible for good communication. Yet, many times people lack skillfulness in really meeting one another effectively. Many have just never learned or been exposed to a different way of communicating, and the conditioned habits run the show without us even realizing it.
The Ideal
Wouldn’t it be great if people would just respond in the ways we want them to, offer us empathy, be curious about our ideas, dialogue about opinions by exploring and sharing respectfully, and really listening to our stories and reflecting upon them? If you are the one listening, these are some great options for responding.
What Do You Want?
If you are the one speaking and wanting something back, before sharing try asking yourself “What is my intention in saying this? What do I want back from my listener(s).”
Do you want to be heard and receive some empathy to just process your difficult situation? Are you wanting advice and solutions right away? Would you like to have all the ideas out on the table before critiquing any of them? Do you want to know whether others think your idea will work? Are you interested in hearing different opinions at the moment? Would you prefer to have an open discussion where people hear and explore each other’s opinions? Are you wanting them to reflect what matters to you about your story? Are you interested in whether the other person has had a similar experience they can share to help you understand your own story better?
Using this moment of reflection beforehand, you can save tons of disappointment, frustration, and even conflict by taking the next step, which is to let others know what you want back after you share something.
The Gift
When you let people know what you want back, it is really a gift to them. Then they have clarity about what to do next. They can respond with confidence that they are connecting with you effectively or supporting you in the way you would like, which is what most people ultimately want.
Have you ever had someone respond to what you have said with a comment like “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” People often don’t know what we want or expect. Sometimes they assume they do know, and they base their response on an inaccurate assumption. Sometimes people respond how they would want someone to respond to them, which again could easily be a mismatch with what the speaker really wants.
The How
If you are the speaker sharing something important to you, you can take responsibility for letting your listener(s) know what you would like back from them. Here are some sample requests. There are connection requests and action requests. To make a connection request, you ask for some form of connection through creating or checking understanding. To make an action request, you focus on asking for specific strategies to meet your needs.
Connection Requests
- I would like to check that I have expressed clearly, and you have gotten what I hoped you would from what I said. Would you be willing to tell me what you understood?
- Would you mind just sharing what you understood before we move forward, so I know I have expressed myself clearly?
- Would you be willing to tell me what you heard is important to me about this?
- Would you like to share what comes up for you on this topic?
- Would you be willing to share how you feel when you hear me say this?
Action Requests
- Would you be willing to give me a few ideas about how I can manage this situation?
- I’d like to share an idea. And I would enjoy hearing all of our ideas before talking about what we think will work. Would you be willing to brainstorm with this in mind?
- Would you be open to discussing this topic and our different opinions by taking turns speaking and reflecting what we hear from one another and asking questions to understand one another better?
When you are clear about what you want and you communicate your request, you utilize a powerful tool for getting more of what you want in conversations and meetings. Remember to check in with yourself and then give the gift that guides people toward the responses you long to receive. Make a clear request.
Submitted by Kathy Ziola
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Kathy Ziola, MA,CNVC Certified Trainer, Author of “Live Compassion” and owner of Communication Works.
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